The Importance of Solitude

I am the type of person who needs time alone. I need the peace and quiet that being alone affords. However, after a traumatic experience such as losing your husband, the solitude that followed is now quite different. It’s loud even though it’s quiet. I am painfully aware of my alone-ness, and for a while it drove me crazy. In the first few weeks after Aaron’s funeral, I would find myself wandering the aisles of Target, Wegmans and sitting in Starbucks. A lot of money was spent in a mindless manner, but I soon realized what I was seeking, was the noise and the crowd. During that time when things were quiet, all I had time to do was think, to grieve, and to think some more. Thinking brought on feelings of guilt, and the guilt weighed heavily on my shoulders. All I kept thinking was, WHAT else could I have done to save his life? Or, was all of what we went through just a waste, because he ended up in that raggedy hell hole unable to be transferred? There was so much guilt.s I kept going through the motions learning how to navigate my new reality, I was beginning to embrace the quiet moments instead of running from them. I discovered, in the moments of solitude, I really began to look at myself, my life, and all the choices (both mine and others) which had led me to this very point in time. In this solitude, I would find my healing. I can only speak on my experiences, and I can tell you that I was forced to look at all of what made me who I was, up until now. I realized that there was pain from my childhood that I needed to acknowledge, to address and to let go. There was anger that needed to be released. So many memories came back to me in my solitude. Things I’d long buried in those corners of my mind. They needed to be properly addressed so that I could finally put them away. There was so much guilt, anger and blame. And rage. There was also rage.

I was so angry at Aaron for never listening to me. You see, I wasn’t the one with the influence over him. He listened to me last. I’d researched his disease for countless hours. I sent so many emails and made so many phone calls, (even to other countries) seeking treatment, that I am now an unofficial expert on Synovial Sarcoma. I wanted him to have treatment in another facility but he opted to go with the family doctor referral and I honestly believe that if he’d listened to me, things would have turned out dramatically different. For that, I was angry. He left me widowed with three kids. Three kids…. It was in this forced alone time that I realized that no matter who he listened to, he was no longer here and I HAD to let go of the negative feelings, the blame and the anger -- it all had to go. I had to forgive him as well as myself. Anger sickens you. Anger makes you bitter and bitterness blocks your blessings. I had to let it go so the healing within me could begin. All those feelings were taking up too much space and there absolutely wasn’t any room for peace to enter.

Healing is hard work. It’s ugly. It’s lonely. It’s raw. It is painful. It is in this solitude that you are made to look at all of your shit. ALL of it and it’s not pretty. You not only see past pain, but you are faced with bad choices, and all of the what ifs and every other hurt you’ve experienced. Trauma seems to bring memories of past traumas. It all comes rushing back at once and there isn’t anything you can do but deal with it. This is where the really hard work begins. For me, I had to finally let go of things I’d been carrying around for more years than I can remember. I had to let things go. I know I could not have saved his life. I also know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I did everything in my power to save his life.

I was there until the very last breath. I ensured that his home-going was beautiful even if it was the saddest day of our lives. I no longer carry that guilt. I have let go of grudges and anger. It was in my solitude that I finally made peace with everything that has happened. I may never have an understanding, but I am ok with it now. I have forgiven others who have hurt me. People in pain, really do inflict pain on others. All of us are hurting in one way or another and we all have some healing to do. I am by far a therapist, but I can say that solitude is so important. Even if you’re not dealing with a painful experience, you need to take time to seek solitude. Step away and disconnect from the world, so that you can reconnect with your true self. It’s helped me focus and it’s changed my perception on a lot of things.